Kale histoire! A true story.

Thanks to Serious Eats, something exciting happened here a few nights ago with… KALE! It's been 3+ days since my tasty discovery but I hesitated to share here because: 1) The kale bandwagon… 2) That old kale bandwagon… :\ and 3) Kale-pocalypse from blizzard 2015! To me that day was a great source of entertainment and a point of no return. It's been really hard to take this mighty green (or the people who preach about it), seriously. Truth is, I was puzzled by the phenomenon for the last 5 years but it's a blur and the kale-pocalypse is way funnier to remember.

I should be clear though. I don't dislike the vegetable but oh how I loathe the trend and with the years, this annoyance just got bigger. I tried to warm up to it but I felt like I was drowning in a tidal wave of food blogs and magazines that just kept shoving more recipes down our throats and so… I became more irritated. This trend gave birth to an army of well intentioned bloggers, food stylists and cooks who pushed mediocre recipes in the name of the mighty cruciferous green (a few of them need to get their tastebuds checked). There are some great recipes out there, yes, but it's hard to navigate through the bad ones (especially when the focus is on aesthetics and less on flavours). I'm not bitter! ;) Also, how many kale chips can one eat! Edible doesn't always equal "tasty" and almost anything taste great if you add enough olive oil and salt to it. This leafy green has great qualities but it's not going to turn your plate into a "clean" lean dish just because it's the main ingredient (the few times I ate kale and enjoyed it, calories were definitely high). 

Okay, so now that I got this off my chest, let me tell you how this "Kale, Parmesan, and Fried Egg Tartine" blew me away! :D <--Worth a happy face here because HOLY CRAP, DID I ENJOY THIS! There. I said it. I munched and moaned with pleasure while eating it. It even distracted me from a movie I was watching at the same time (Kingsman: The Secret Service). The kale was definitely the main star here (in my plate, not the movie), and a few other supporting factors helped. Good olive oil, sea salt, quality of the bread, garlic and freshly grated Parmesan with a runny egg on top... They were all very good ingredients and together they made me and my mouth happy (nothing to do with healthy).

Here it is. From Serious Eats and the link to try their recipe. Thanks to them, I can talk about kale and not feel bitter! :)

I didn't buy kale to try this recipe. If that was the case, I probably wouldn't have bothered with it (which I now admit would have been a shame). When I stumbled on this link, I happened to be stuck with quite a bit of kale in my fridge. It was waiting… Looking neglected. I felt the pressure. I needed to get rid of it but also needed time to get over a very disappointing smoothie and a hearty soup I had made. That soup tasted awesome but not because of the kale. In fact, that kale felt like an afterthought and made me wish it wasn't in it in the first place. I considered stir-fry or an other soup to finish that thing but honestly, I didn't care. I just let it sit there. 

That's when the sexy pic above popped on my screen. It totally got my attention even though the word "tartine" in the title left me a bit suspicious. I used that word since childhood for anything spread on top of bread (mainly butter and jam). Reading it in an English title felt... gimmicky. It's just a French term that I'm afraid will be used for that other annoying trend: "toast". I love savoury goods on toasted bread but I'm rolling my eyes over that one too… Digressing. I was more excited about the egg, the parmesan and the awesome crusty, country loaf of bread we had. I was skeptical, of course, but the idea that I could get rid of the kale in an interesting way with all those tantalizing ingredients really appealed to me. I almost skipped the kale for ham and tomato slices instead. It was late, we were hungry and I wasn't feeling like experimenting. I went along with it anyway just to say I tried it and it was simple enough. 

When I read to Marc the instructions: "...broil until kale is wilted and charred" we just both giggled. He could only respond with "Mmm, charred kale, can't wait!" Definitely not a selling point. That said, I'm glad I tried it. Turns out the charred kale was the best part! Maybe charred is too strong of a word. Broiled till brown is a bit better! ;) I just loved the taste. Even Marc enjoyed it, saying it was: "Tasty!" In this concoction anyway. The flavours reminded me of brussels sprouts sautéed till brown in a pan like my mother used to do. No surprise here, since kale is part of the cabbage family. It's called "chou frisé" (curly cabbage) in French.

Now here is my less sexy but tasty version below.

Ugly pictures aside (bad lighting... It was late... In a rush to eat), I strongly recommend it! Our bread slices were big so we used two eggs for each long slice to make a decent meal out of it. I realize now that the recipe said to use 4 slices. Somehow we piled it on with success on just 2!

We were out of lemon juice so I used red wine vinegar to "massage" the kale (with olive oil, salt and pepper). They say to not skimp on the massaging. Apparently it softens the kale so I did just that by squeezing it with my hands as I rubbed the dressing in with my fingers. I wish I was joking. The bonus: It's tasty when you lick your fingers after. The broiling went quite quickly and I would say that our toasted bread was ready a good minute before the time mentioned. Also, for this recipe I think you will get more out of your garlic toast if you generously rub the garlic on the bread "after" it's toasted and still hot. It's like magic, the garlic almost melts away, it glides easily and infuses the bread with it's aroma a lot better than if the bread was cold and soft.

This would rock with poached eggs by the way. One of our eggs was overcooked and it was fine but it allowed me to compare it to the one with a runny yolk. Oh baby... the bites with the runny yolk were by far the best ones! I just remember closing my eyes and taking in all the flavours and textures. A hint of vinegar (used to massage the leaves), mingled with the richness of the egg yolk and nutty kale, the softness right next to the crunchy garlicky toast... I wanted that moment to last for ever! It's easy too get blissful results, when you have good ingredients. Speaking of which, we didn't skimp on the Parmesan. We just finely grated away on top of it all. The pictures suffer from it but who cares my taste buds were happy! As if that wasn't enough, we also sprinkled some roasted garlic hot sauce and for us that was an exciting move. This kale snack, tartine, or whatever you are going to call it, was tasty and satisfying! A winner! Thanks Serious Eats!

I'm not going to preach it. JUST follow this link and TRY IT! Resistance is futile! :)

Mad woman at the stove with a brain on neutral and an unwanted pound of ground pork

There are times when you feel like you're all thumbs. When deep down you know that for sanity's sake it would be best if you stayed out of the kitchen and dialled a number for pizza. If frustrations build up and your mind goes in neutral, you can start feeling useless in a hurry as people around you get tired, grumpy and hungry (yourself included). My neighbour has a good word for that: "hangry". When that happens, I usually let it go and embrace grilled cheese night, eggs and toast, cream of wheat with apple sauce or buttered noodles. Even better if Marc takes over! It happens... Right? I can usually shrug it off, knowing that I will helm the kitchen when I get to be myself again.

Sometimes though, this invisible pressure keeps pushing and common sense just flies out the window. Then anxiety takes over and things get dumb real fast. Like 2 nights ago when this pic was taken by my 4 year old. I can feel the fog in this photo. I was tired and struggling a bit. Okay, a lot. Depression but nothing serious. Marc was entertaining the girls but offered to go to the store for something easy. It would have spared me a few brain cells as I was obviously struggling and cursing with one stupid move after an other but I was stubborn. Even though he offered more than once, my pride held on like a pit bull and I decided to stick to my guns. Or in this case, my pots and pans.

I grabbed what I thought was 1 pound of beef but suddenly realized it was pork. My plan was simple. Patties, simply seasoned, quickly fried in barely any fat and finished with a knob of butter under the grill. For sides, white rice and buttered carrots cooked in just enough water that would evaporate into a sweet syrupy liquid by serving time. I know this stuff by heart. There is no recipe. It's just manipulation of a few ingredients on high or low heat till you know it's just right for consumption. My brain didn't want to think but I still wanted comfort. Well, all went to hell when pork showed up as an impostor. I should have treated this meat the same way but I'm not a fan of pork patties. I can cook pork or sausage meat with confidence into a luscious sauce for pasta but we already had that 2 nights before and mac 'n' cheese not too long before that... Not an option. I was out of ingredients for that anyway. I'm also pretty good with pork chops, pork roast or tenderloin but this was ground pork. Extra lean. With ground pork, I can master a pretty decent tourtière and I like to mix it with beef and veal for some seriously tasty meatballs. All things I take pride in and love but there was no time for that. Also, I didn't care. Or maybe I cared too much and didn't want to do a half-assed job? Whatever it was, I felt stuck. Seriously I should have tossed that in the fridge and go with grilled cheese. The next option was asian flavours but I had little to nothing for that and I wanted the girls to eat, not whine. I considered greek but I was out of lemons, cucumbers, tomatoes... *Sigh*

Lame? Yes. I was simply at the end of my wits and supplies. The fridge was close to empty. Same for the pantry. It was pretty much meat and potatoes without the potatoes. I had rice, onions, celery and carrots. Usually I thrive on that. Stretching the last goods for a small feast. A great base for risotto, soup, sauce, stews... Anything! Not this time. I just wanted 'simple' and to move on but that pork threw me off!! My pride was hurt. I was annoyed. The more I looked at links or books for ideas the worse I felt. After a while I shut all my books, my laptop, grabbed a glass of water and just closed my eyes for 5 minutes.

Pork patties (a lengthy description of an improvised recipe from a frazzled mind)

I started. Thawed the meat that was still frozen. In the microwave. Oh how I loath the microwave. Bad start. I got distracted somehow (kid or cat) and some parts of the meat got cooked through. I cursed. Marc heard me and felt brave enough to say "I guess we're having pizza". I said nothing, which was pretty much a silent "NO!" I gave a piece of cooked meat to the cat and moved on. I dumped the meat with all it's liquid in a bowl and stepped outside for a second breather. Smart move. It was pleasant and balmy. I went to check on my herbs in the garden to inspire me and fair enough touching the sage made me think of garlic, pork, apples and potatoes. I had no apples or 'taters but close enough! I grabbed a few leaves of fresh sage. Washed them, patted them dry and chopped. Tossed that in my big granite mortar with 2 big cloves of garlic, the last spoonful of my olive oil and 2 generous pinches of salt. Crushing that to a paste with the heavy pestle was very satisfying and the smells were just enough to help me stick around to see what was going to happen next. I scooped that fragrant paste and transferred it in the bowl with the meat.

I took an onion next, chopped it up and threw it in a pan with a pat of butter on medium heat till soft and coloured. While they were cooking, I took 2 slices of whole wheat bread and turned them into crumbs in the food processor. Before adding the crumbs to the meat, I tossed them in the big mortar to soak up the last micro bits of sage and garlic goodies that were left behind. With a rubber spatula, I scraped it around to get it all fragrant and into the bowl of pork it went. That moment felt so good. I still wasn't sure what I was doing. To that, I added the onions and the leftover fat which wasn't much. I also added some buttermilk just because I happened to have some (about 3 tbsp). I broke an egg in there and whipped it a bit then mixed everything gently.

My pan was still hot on medium heat. I needed more fat though. I didn't want to use my butter or some precious artisan olive oil from friends of the family in Portugal so I decided to be bad and used bacon fat! :) I smiled with defiance. The fat came from some seriously good local bacon Marc had purchased the day before. It was a tablespoon or less. We'll just say it was less and move along. I let that heat up and quickly scooped some of that pork mixture with my hand. The amount was filling my palm nicely. It was really soft and fragile so I moved quickly and gently flattened it in my hand with the tip of my fingers then flipped that in the pan. It was the perfect size. Thickness of my fingers, size of my palm but in an oval sort of shape. I did 4 like that and fried them fast without touching till a crust was set. That made them easier to flip over. Then I seared the other side quickly. I suddenly decided I was going to finish them in the oven and cranked the oven to 375˚f. I transferred the 4 patties in a small square metal pan I usually use for brownies and cooked 2 more. 6 in all.

Once they were in my square dish (4 at the bottom with 2 on top), I threw a generous spoonful of flour in the frying pan and tossed that around for 2 minutes. Once cooked, brown and stuck to the bottom of the pan, I gradually added a cup of chicken broth that had to go. It could have been water, apple juice, port, milk or cooking liquids from the carrots. I stirred that flour with a wooden spoon to loosen it and turned it into a paste over medium heat as I kept adding broth in a thin stream. Each time I kept adding, the paste loosened into something promising. I kept stretching that till the broth was gone. It made a nice thin gravy that would thicken just a tad more in the oven. I seasoned with salt, pepper and tasted... Yup, good. Light at the end of the tunnel! I poured that sauce over the patties and in the hot oven it went. I had no aluminum foil and worried that the patties on top, would dry up so I simply laid a cookie sheet on top as an improvised lid. Cooked that for 10-12 minutes... Relief.

There it was, a pleasant meal. VICTORY! As I called the family to come to the table, I took a pic in case it was a stroke of genius. It wasn't but it sure was tasty and comforting! The vibe at the table was good. There was no struggle with the girls who were chirping away. All ate happily (myself included). Marc who helped, thanked me for the efforts that my frazzled brain barely managed. A glass of port was serenely enjoyed as a reward. A silent toast to a good ending.

I feel like myself again and ready to helm the kitchen. Well, at least until Thanksgiving.